gambitch - now available in blue Our constant efforts to reinvent ourselves reveal how much we fear our own images.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
I am like a rain of cherry blossoms.
Or, as the Japanese say it, "sakura no ame".
In its fall, there is a certain beauty and gentle grace that easily escapes notice. Yet at the same time, the poetic elegance is also twinned with that ever so slight tinge of melancholy.
The next time the falling cherry blossoms brush against your face, let your eyelids softly fall and remember the feeling. gambitch [
Friday, July 21, 2006
For over a day I was virtually cut off from the electronic universe.
This was of course no thanks to a major technical glitch the nature of which I never worked out. The effect of the glitch was simple: I lost my wireless connection.
Trying to solve it, I basically stumbled around to every other place where there was possibly a free wireless connection. It didn't quite work; I coudl surf the web, but the vital service I needed - e-mail access - was out of bounds somehow.
Imagine the frustration that creates. Just to give some context, I had work I was supposed to deliver via e-mail, and the fact I could not do that means I have to deliver by hand instead. Which slowed me down so much, and that further compounded the work backlog I had mentioned just yesterday.
Which led someone to tell me that perhaps I should not have been trying so hard to play the iron man in the team. But I do, sweetie, but I do. And there is more than one reason for doing it. There's trying to prove a point to myself, there's the fight for my wallet, and no less importantly, there's that desire to restore that standard that had been going down. And of course there's the fact that I'm closely following what I instinctively believe would be a very intriguing ongoing saga.
I didn't want to worry you because... Well, because I didn't. I didn't have to; I believed I could have done all these things and more, and could have done them well, without you ever noticing until after the fact. That's why I'm playing the iron man for the outfit. I know I don't have to, but I'm mentally stuck in that mode, and I don't have the faith in everyone else yet, much as I want to.
... Maybe that's my problem. Maybe it's that lack of faith and confidence. Maybe it's me setting artificial standards and hoping to see people at least try to do the same. Why do I do this? I wish I knew.
Of course, now the wireless connection is restored... But the problems I am riddled with remain. How do I balance my desire to play iron man and your well-intentioned call to me not to push myself too hard? I wish I had an answer to that.
At the end, though, it's because I'm a writer by profession. And as you told me before, jump and grab at as many writing opportunities as I possibly can. Somewhere down that line, if that means I have to play the iron man...
But I fear turning into the tin soldier in The Wizard of Oz. Maybe I already have... But I don't want that.
Some surgery may be in order. gambitch [
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Once more I succumb, to the seduction of the Z monster.
Once more this should not have been the case. Not when I managed nine good hours of sleep last night, and did not do very much to warrant an extra few hours.
Yet once more this has happened. And in the process, delivery for a couple of items ended up being later than planned.
I know, you told me, tomorrow morning's fine. But I wanted it done earlier. Because I could have.
The upside to this? Hopefully it means I don't have to sleep nearly as much tonight, and therefore I can stay up and push ahead with all the alertness of someone who doesn't need the coffee.
Because I don't want to be a disappointment at work. Ever. gambitch [
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Have you ever wished that there was another you following yourself, capturing your every move, your every mood, your every moment - as you wanted them, or in ways you least expect - wherever you moved, even in the strangest of angles? Like, 30 degrees above, at an angle, as if from the balcony on the second floor?
Have you ever wished that those moments be captured on camera or video, so that you could one day look back at them and say to yourself, your loved ones or your closest friends, "That's me!"?
Many a time, I have. Mostly because there are all these other strange aspects of me that I do wish I could equally effortlessly display in front of others as I do in the privacy of my own little world. Yes, I know I can act really crazy at times, but nothing beats the craziness that comes out of me when I'm alone.
Just this evening, after a train trip and a bit of food, I took the bus home, but not before a substantial walk to the bus stop. Incidentally, it would have been easier if I got off at the earlier station, but then I wouldn't have been able to find food that way. So I got off one stop later, got my food, and then went down the streets in search of that bus stop. And along the way I was caught humming something in old waltz rhythm. One two three two two three...
For those who happen to know, the tune was Tanimura's Corazon. I don't expect that many to know, and unfortunately Blogger does not allow me to post tunes in an elegant text manner. (The MP3 or wave file wouldn't do.) But it's a fairly quick waltz-based tune, and the album rendition I have sounds very old French style. Even as I listen to the music I can imagine me strolling in the streets of old Paris, along the banks of the River Seine. This is, of course, in the days before World War I. Very classic old France.
Maybe those who listen to the music won't find the French-ness in it. But it feels kinda French to me. Maybe it's the accordions and piccolos. Or maybe it's the nature of the tune. Maybe that's France through the eyes of the Japanese. And I'm listening to it with an extra layer of a third culture.
Anyway, I was humming this tune, half-imagining me playing this tune on my (non-existent because I can't pay for one yet) flute. And it didn't take very long before I realized I was walking out of step with the fast waltz. So what do I do? Switch my steps and move in tune with the music, of course! So as I waited for the traffic lights I went right-left-left... (Maybe it'd have been more natural to go left-right-right?)
Yes, it'd look absolutely crazy if you ever saw it for yourself, me walking down the street half as if I was dancing the waltz. Okay, granted, I never actually learnt the waltz. But still it'd look odd. But did I care? No. And that's what I am; a lover of music. Can't live without it.
I'm expressive like that. And it's a totally different level of expression from seeing me at work. I know it's a different facet of myself. And boy, do I want to show it! It's another side of me, I know. The side that nobody else knew existed only because it was never shown before.
But isn't that true for everyone?
I want to feel like a springing bunny again. I have felt like that before, but then I quickly allowed myself to be subdued and tamed. That was then. This is now. The desire to spring around is back. And I want to do it before the boing goes away again.
And even if it means I'm going to bounce around totally inappropriately in front of everybody... Well, do I really care? Maybe a little, but not much more.
I want that unbridled ol' me to come back, unleashing all the spring there is in me. And I want to leave a few people agasp as I go boing, boing, boing.
If you could help get me there, would you, please? gambitch [
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
I'm not sure why I'm suddenly feeling so lazy. I've got work I really ought to be doing, and it's not particularly difficult to do it. So it's not as if I'm afraid of the challenge. Yet I just don't feel like doing the work. I don't know why.
Maybe it's got something to do with me being hooked on Civilization 4 - finally, I might add, because I hadn't installed it when I had just bought it. There are reasons for the delay, but now I'm quite well and truly liking the game. Having said that, I've never properly sat through one full game, and it's always abandoned halfway before I decide to restart and look for a better road to success. What's wrong? I don't quite know either.
There are a couple of business phone calls I'm waiting for that have not come yet. Maybe I should be taking the initiative and giving them the calls instead? Perhaps, but again for some reason I seem entirely happy to wait. That should not be. I'm not the kind, normally, but these days I'm feeling rather lazy.
Maybe it's because there's nothing to pick me up.
Maybe it's because I'm feeling like there's this layer of some unknown thing that is weighing my arms down. Funny thing is, I'm not feeling sweaty or anything like that.
Maybe it's because something's suddenly missing from my life at the moment, or that I'm suddenly aware of its absence. Yet even then, I'm not totally sure what it is.
It might be the energy. It's not really coming.
I'm supposed to leave the house in about half an hour or less. I should really be going off to change my clothes. But I'm still sitting here, typing away. And I'm loaded with a thousand and one thoughts, not a single one of which I am able to articulate because I don't know who to tell them to. I'm missing the exchanges that keep me alive and tingling with excitement.
Where's that spring in my step? gambitch [
Monday, July 17, 2006
Nowadays when I wash my hair, I notice that there is a bit of hair fall. I can tell because I see these strands of hair in my hand. And I have to note that I have never noticed this before, as in this did not previously happen to me. But nowadays it's becoming quite a common sight.
I was warned about this the last time I went to get my hair cut and washed. Yes, no super-cheap old barbers for me on that occasion, unlike in the past. And that's mostly because I usually went to the barber's when I wanted to get my hair cut real short - the low-maintenance variety. But lately I've been wanting to keep my hair a little longer, partly because I am thinking of doing a few other things to it. Like, I don't know, maybe throw in a few highlights? Or even colour it altogether?
So I've been keeping my hair slightly longer than I used to, and yes, that means I have to bear with the possibility that I'm going to start getting some hair fall. That's what the woman who did my hair told me. I guess I have to live with that if that's the price of choosing not to look like some spiky hedgehog for a change. I'm not sure how long I want to wear my hair, though. It is not the usual experience for me, you must understand.
Moving on to a slightly different topic, I do realize that I haven't been doing the pasta of late. I'm suddenly thinking about this because I want to express myself with some cooking - I'm a bit of a fan of Jamie Oliver, you might remember. Jamie teaches us to love doing the cooking thing, and I figured one of the best ways I could start was with pasta. But I haven't been doing the pasta thing recently, partly because of work.
Now that I'm no longer office-bound, I would pretty much like to go back to the pasta routine. Except I usually end up eating out because of the nature of my work, and if I wanted to do cold pasta salads in the morning, I'd have to prepare the stuff overnight. And I'm not sure why, but I'm not exactly doing those things.
Have I lost my touch? Or have I just lost my passion for preparing food? Not that there's an awful lot of it to start with, but if I'm dropping back to doing instant noodles - which is a very East Asian thing - then I suppose it's really a very low starting point. I'd like to do ramens and pastas with all the pleasure I could muster. And yes, I do drool when I watch those food shows they do in Hong Kong, Taiwan and Japan. And I do wish I could cook like them.
But what's it about me that screams inertia all over?
I've got to overcome that, surely? gambitch [