gambitch - now available in blue Our constant efforts to reinvent ourselves reveal how much we fear our own images.
Saturday, May 03, 2003
Still another one...
I wanna be with you now
Together, let's shrink this distance
If we do it now, we can make it
We can start over
Though we can't become one
I wanna be with you now
Someday, even this distance
Will become something we can embrace
We can start sooner
After all, I need to be with you...
Ah ah ah... Once in a while you will come across a song that just captures your soul and draws it away. Tonight is one of those moments.
I have a bold statement to make: It does not hurt most when your soul is hollowed out. It hurts more when it is hollowing out.
Has our friendship gone on for too long?
I can feel comfortable with you saying everything I want
But you still seem so distant...
Do you wanna stay with me? I want to have your answer
There is only you and me here
Don't lie to me, but don't force yourself either
Just look at me now
How many shapes are there to love?
There is only you and me here
It doesn't matter if a reason can't be named
Just hold my hand
Sometimes friendship can be a very strange thing. There are friends whom you would rather not be merely friends with, but you're not exactly wanting to be romantically linked to them either. Or at least the feeling isn't there yet. Maybe one day, but not yet. 'Tis a rather awkward position to be in. Say the wrong thing, and even the friendship may be lost. Something to lose sleep over for some; others just lose their hair.
I happen to be part of a writing team that produces magazines that make an attempt to talk about deep stuff. I have been in this team for something like three years, and will be leaving the team in around September. Now, because people usually write for about a year or two at most before they move on to something else, I guess that makes me something of an experienced writer.
Unfortunately, the team I am leaving behind is one that does not really have lots of experience. Many of the other writers on the team will also be leaving in September, which means that there will not be many experienced writers left behind who know what they are doing. The senior writers are all worried about this, but we don't really know what to do. It is not easy to recruit writers for our team, because (a) we demand a fairly high standard of English (a necessity as some of our readers are very important persons), and (b) there is a need for good specialist expertise and knowledge.
It pains me to say that finding people who meet one of the two criteria is already difficult. Finding people who meet both is a little like trying to get tickets for your favourite pop stars' concert. And even if you find such talented people, you have to try to persuade them - which is something my friends and I are not exactly good at.
So in the meantime we try to survive on our own limited strength. But the problem will not go away - we can only hold on and hold out until September. After that there is going to be a very serious problem...
I sometimes do not understand why I worry about these problems. Maybe I will need another cup of hot tea... gambitch [
1:27 AM]
Nothing of particularly great note happened today, which I suppose is not really a bad thing. This world was beginning to spin a little out of control, and a little quiet can only do everyone some good.
I just watched one of my favourite singers in concert. Ah, spellbound...
Excuse me while I gaze upon the stars... gambitch [
12:29 AM]
Thursday, May 01, 2003
The weather likes to behave in mysterious ways. One big burst of rain, and then suddenly it stops and the skies clear again.
It is sometimes amusing to sit and watch as people get drenched by an unexpected downpour and get caught completely off-guard because they don't carry their umbrellas around. People-watching can be very fun if you try it. Of course, be careful not to look like you are either staring at people or ogling at girls in wet T-shirts. You're trying to learn about human behaviour, not get yourself hauled into the police station. gambitch [
3:29 PM]
Something from a friend...
Faster than any love or attraction The encounter with you, a cruel twist of fate It has changed everything around me so quickly And I have gradually fallen in love...
That simple encounter then Why does it cause so much pain today? Through coming together and breaking up again and again People try to find true love
For how many nights already A flood of tears comes on again and again Two people, backs close to each other Should they separate? Or lean upon each other?
Drifting on this planet continuously You and I come together From our fingers we feel love being transmitted As our hearts begin to unlock to each other...
Like the great turbulent waves Or like the deep sea Like the wind that gently blows past I want to hold and embrace you
Every time I am touched by love I come to understand and be closer to myself The heart sealed by ice Gradually melts in love's tight embrace
When we decide never to meet again Can you feel a pain near your heart? If only we could feel love with our hands We would surely feel greater freedom
I want to express ever more of my feelings to you without restraint It already does not matter that I may lose everything All my love is everything now, at this moment in time What will emerge now, surely, must be...
The red petals glide and dance gracefully As drops of rain fall from the edges of the green leaves I once had dreams of loving you, but those proof Are slowly disappearing with the sunrise
Faster than any love or attraction The encounter with you, a wicked joke of fate It has changed everything around us so quickly And the two of us have fallen in love...
Like a flower, like the wind, you're always in my heart
If you return, if you return, that day will be just a haze
I'm sure that I made falling in love
Difficult with my selfishness
I want to understand you
More deeply than I did before gambitch [
1:15 AM]
Somebody said something about my recent ramblings being too dark. Can't blame the person, actually - the majority of my entries are filled in after sundown, and so my mood accurately reflects the time of the day.
Had a chicken pie for supper. It was nicely heated up and the crust was crisp without being hard. Very good for warming the stomach. Now I have to think about how to burn the energy off. Maybe a couple of games on the chessboard.
The mention of chicken pie reminds me of the movie Chicken Run; which in turn reminds me that I have not been to the cinema in a while. Some of you may wonder how I manage to do without entertainment for so long, because going to the pictures is always a very fun activity. My simple answer to that is that there just isn't any movie I particularly want to watch. I can be very picky when it comes to the pictures. Then again most of us agree that a sizeable proportion of movies that make the screen nowadays are rather junky stuff. What, a Gwyneth Paltrow flick where she goes around acting like a flying airhead? What a strange movie that would be.
I was passing by this place where they were selling VCDs of Japanese dramas. Japanese dramas were a hot fad in my neighbourhood once upon a time in the recent past. Everybody went crazy over them, and VCD stores stocked themselves beyond capacity with VCDs of all sorts of Japanese dramas. Then came the obligatory few months, after which the fever went down and people started looking for a new flavour. They promptly found one - Korean dramas. Next thing you know, nearly no VCD store holds any Japanese drama VCDs on the shelves.
So I took some time and browsed through the VCDs. The titles are mostly less well-known ones, some featuring top actors and actresses, but the shows themselves were not highly acclaimed. The poor vendors are going to have lots of difficulties getting rid of stock among buyers who don't know their stuff.
To the one responsible: this might be a good time to go bargain hunting - the vendor is operating in a tent at a shopping centre near you.
Watching a video recording. Whoever did the microphones did a very bad job - the sound was not picked up properly. As a result I have to push up the television speaker volume just to make out what people are saying... gambitch [
1:11 AM]
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
The "white knight" plan failed. As I reckoned it would. Which is just as well, actually, because these things tend to trigger my hypertension, and I don't think I want to suffer from a stroke when I'm still so young.
Actually, I'm not that young. I'm already above 18. That's the legal consenting age for suicide. Yes, yes, for sex too, but nowadays, with viruses running riot, the two are becoming very similar. You get a burst of thrill, and then you go to sleep. Sometimes permanently. But I digress.
Anyway the plan could not carry because of financial issues. It's all about the money, and the dum-dum-duda-dum-dum. Now if only there was a cash cow for us to milk greenbacks and dimes. It is of course sad that there isn't, but that's the way it is. If the world was full of cash cows, rather than regular cows, we would all be drinking hard milk that will give us more than the required amount of minerals. So, no cash cows, and children will still have to eat their spinach.
Looking at the chessboard, the choice is now between a rush capture on the one side, and a slower, more stately total manoeuvre on the other. Keeping it long drawn out definitely has its benefits. For one, it allows me to strengthen my position so that other people can come in and take over play when I leave the table, and still not mess things up. Rushing too hard would be bad because it creates massive strain and would render us too thinned out from overstretch. Yet a rush capture would suit the fast player who uses the resources he has on hand now, rather than sit and watch them drain away.
Deciding won't be easy. There is going to have to be some compromise, some give and take, before I can plan the next move. One wrong move would leave me with an awkward endgame.
The strange thing about working with a computer when I am tired, is that the more I work, the less tired I get. I was quite sure I was going to sleep early tonight. I was wrong. The computer must have some special power to keep people awake. Maybe I can recommend it to friends. Then they can save up on their coffee money and get me a proper present or something.
The only problem of course is what would make a good present. I frankly do not have an idea. I briefly thought about a prize-winning lottery ticket, but if anybody could get that for a present, he would probably prefer to keep it for himself. Unless, of course, one of these two situations apply: (a) it is counterfeit, or (b) it is expired. And if anyone actually has the gall to give that to me for a present, I would smile broadly and, if I was in a good enough mood, warmly invite the joker to consume excrement and thus expire. gambitch [
2:46 AM]
They've announced the PFA award winners. For those who don't know, this is where football players sit down and decide who among themselves were the best player for the past season. You would typically expect people to vote for themselves if nobody said anything, so they come up with this rule that says that a shortlist will be made and people get to choose among the people in the shortlist. A bit like a controlled democracy, if you will - there are choices, but you don't get to decide what the choices are going to be, and therefore you are not allowed to try to choose yourself, even if you might happen to be very good.
Anyway, they gave the Young Player award to... JERMAINE JENAS????? Wasn't the whole country spellbound by Rooney?
That's what happens in sports, I suppose. You can be really famous, and do some really great things, and end up losing an accolade to somebody who's had a far quieter season for whatever mysterious reasons. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Jenas cost 5 million pounds and Rooney cost nothing. They have to give him an award to justify the transfer fee.
Maybe too much football for the day. So let's talk about something else. Let's talk about the fact that there has been no new SARS cases in my neighbourhood, but things are getting very out of hand in Taiwan. Eight or nine people have apparently died in that hospital I mentioned a while back. Let's talk about Toronto being absolutely furious that they have been listed as a "do not visit" region by the World Health Organization. I mean, hey, it's tough, but just because you happen to be a First World Western place (and not even one of the biggest at that) doesn't qualify you for exemption from travel advisories if there are fairly valid concerns about your handling of public health!
Maybe these Canadians just find draconian measures dogmatically intolerable rather than pragmatically unnecessary, but viruses are not human beings, and they do not think like human beings. They don't choose not to infect a particular individual just because he is of a certain race, religious faith or economic status. Though sometimes I wish they do. Then maybe someone can design a virus that afflicts only rich people and kills them, and then I can inherit their wealth. Oh, wait. That means I'll then be vulnerable. Not such a great idea...
Let's talk about something a little more positive. Something that brings a smile on people's faces. Something like "my cousin's getting married"! Oh, wait. That's bad news, because we're going to have to attend the wedding dinner and we're going to have to give some money as an auspicious token. And I'm painfully short on money.
Fortunately, however, I have had no news recently about any of my cousins getting married. In fact, I don't know how many (or maybe how few) cousins I have, so it gets a bit difficult to keep track when you don't have information to begin with. But at least it means I don't have to expect to lose money to wedding dinners in the near future.
Moral of the story: If you squeeze the orange hard enough, you will somehow get a drop of juice.
Those of you who lost me at that last bit, raise your hands. gambitch [
12:28 AM]
Monday, April 28, 2003
2-0 to the Manchester. Five points clear with two to go. To say I am excited about our prospects now would be an understatement. Come on you reds!
It turns out I completely messed up my time-table for the day. Fortunately it's one of those messes where you're just too early rather than too late. Which is just as well, as I now have the time to do a few things I had forgotten to do the night before. Yes, my memory is failing me. Like I tell everyone else, I'm senile. And senility is contagious, because given enough time, everyone gets it. gambitch [
8:33 AM]
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Kanoute's goal saves West Ham. Yes! Three points!
I seriously feel that the Hammers ought to stay up this season. Peter Reid's Leeds should be the team to be relegated and learn to swim in swill over in the Nationwide. In all honesty I simply find Roeder's side too good to go down. Of course some say the same for Leeds, but that's probably negated by all the bad karma points they picked up when Ridsdale was chairman. I mean, surely if we accept that David O'Leary was spending far beyond his means, we cannot ignore the fact that Peter knew what was going on. He sanctioned those deals. Yet he sacks a fine young Irishman, appoints Terry Venables, sanctions the sale of practically half his club (including Jonathan Woodgate - who didn't need to be sold as it turns out), and then sacks Venables for the club's dismal performance in all competitions. And of all people, the club then appoints dumb old Peter Reid. No wonder the club is in disarray.
West Ham in comparison have been a very disciplined side under Glenn Roeder. They have been horrifically unlucky this season, and it didn't help that Tomas Repka was playing like a Sunday League defender for most of the season. But their side blooms with promise and they aren't an arrogant lot on the whole. Then again, it is difficult to be arrogant when you don't have a lot of international stars in your side. No, Calamity James doesn't count - and he's a much-improved goalkeeper now that he's in London. They also have a lot of talent in the three C's - Cole, Carrick and di Canio. Oh, and Kanoute. That's four Cs.
Leeds don't have it easy now. Arsene's boys and Graham Taylor's boring Midlanders. I want Arsene to win this game so that Reid can feel the heat under his collar.
The main event tonight has started. No Barthez in goal! Was he injured?
Yes, I know there's a bit too much of the football on this blog, but as I have reminded everyone, THIS IS MY BLOG. For the girls who don't watch football, it's time to start. And yes, you can start with the pretty boys, though I recommend you watch the pretty ball too. As for the guys who don't watch football, face it, you're beyond cure.
Back to the game. And tomorrow's going to be a long day... gambitch [
11:21 PM]
The professor who died apparently didn't contract SARS. Which is just as well. A university shutdown would be a very bad idea. It would definitely throw the plan into total disarray, for starters. But more importantly, I need to pack some papers.
Martin won the big one. Good job. Now to catch up with the Gers. It's not exactly going to be easy, because there aren't that many games left. But who cares? It's been a good week for the Hoops.
The news has broken to everyone else. There will definitely be a couple of disappointed souls. Let's see if the bailout package goes through.
And finally... I get my first fan-mail. It feels funny. Who wants to read my blog? gambitch [
10:41 PM]
From what I hear, Peter's boys capitulated as well. This is good news.
Bad news all around though regarding SARS. Apparently things at a Taiwanese hospital are spiralling out of control. People are running within the hospital and infecting others. Some patients' innards are rotting. Without getting too graphic, I will just say that sounds bad. On the brighter side, Vietnam is doing very well and will be taken off the WHO list soon.
Closer to home, a professor has died from suspected SARS-like symptoms. Rumours are running like wildfire about students in other parts of the same university being contacted by the SARS police.
I am staring at my chessboard right now. Things do not look good now that this news has come in. The enemy has made his move. Looking six moves ahead, I see problems. Public sentiment will surely be affected, as well as "investor confidence".
And I have not announced these major recent developments to the boys and girls. Much work remains to be done, but now I have to hold things up for a few hours and go back to the planning phase. This is going to be a very long weekend...
On a more personal note, a friend is considering turning me into a lab mouse. As long as I don't mutate into the next Willard, I suppose anything goes. gambitch [
3:14 AM]
