gambitch - now available in blue

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I should have known as much, and to be honest, I thought as much. I just didn't dare to confirm it, but the suspicion was there in me all along.

So when I did happen to learn about it, I was entirely unsurprised one bit. I just hoped against hope it wasn't true, not that I hoped particularly hard. But it was.

And that hurts. More than a wee bit.

And while my entire world wasn't brought crashing down, it did knock me off balance, much much later. (I couldn't be shown to be knocked off balance right there and right then, if only because that would give me away.)

How now?

Carry on. I didn't ask to be properly involved in a full relationship. And that's not what I've got anyway.

I do ask for a little care and concern as a person. Maybe more than a little. Because I'm not just a subordinate, albeit on a floating basis. I'm a person too, and I'm showing my 'person' side a lot. Because I want to make that personal connection at a true 'friend' level.

I want to be able to tease and joke with all the lightheartedness of a close enough friend. Not a colleague. Not a comrade in arms. But a friend.

I want to be able to pout and sulk, knowing that someone's going to care and ask me what's wrong with me. I want to be able to laugh knowing that someone's going to laugh along and share the joy.

I want to be able to sing the songs and dance the dances, knowing that there's someone who will be there to appreciate them. And if it's my turn to watch and listen, I'll be there to do that too.

I want to be around someone who can let me finally be at ease with myself. (You'd be surprised, even when I'm alone, I'm not.)

I want to be able to do all that. And more.

It doesn't have to be a full-blown relationship. It doesn't need to be a ten-letter word. Having that space to separate the two words will do nicely.

But, she'll never know.

gambitch [ 11:35 PM]

Monday, May 08, 2006

This one's to all the great folks with whom I've been working in the last few months.

You know, people, you've all been great. We've been a great team, and I have never felt better working with a team like this.

In your own ways, each of you lets your personality shine through, and you've all been absolutely dazzling. It embarrasses me to be working in such great company. And it thrills me with a rush no drug can give.

It's been absolutely lovely. Almost perfect, even. I don't know what it'd be like working without you. Every single one of you.

And so, it pains my heart to even think that there could come a day when we would split and go our separate ways. And it's especially agonizing to think that I could be the one to go first.

I don't want to go. I really don't. Not unless you all went first.

Because there are still dreams we all stand for. Because we can do so much together that we can never do alone. Because, really, I love you all.

Because, simply, we're a team.

We're not individuals anymore. We are a team.

And I don't want to be the one who leaves you guys first. I'd rather kill myself.

gambitch [ 3:31 AM]

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Nowadays, my heart beats to two rhythms.

One of them is my own. A raw drive, a determination to do something for the industry in which I work, to be a force of good that can inspire changes for the better. It is why I write the way I do, why I come out and play the big-hitter while everyone else is busy, or stuck, or limited by other constraints which I do not yet face. And long may that continue.

The other rhythm is different. It is not professional ambition, but a certain kind of personal response and resonance to, well, something.

Actually, well, someone.

I now sing my songs not just for myself. Okay, there are times when I sing for myself, to myself, but that's in private, really private. But there is also something that stirs up from deep within. I feel now that when I'm out there, I'm not just doing this for my own sake. There's something else in it too.

And that has made things a touch complicated.

Not that I mind, it has to be said. There's no real conflict involved. It's just that I now feel I'm bearing a certain type of cross, voluntarily. No one asked me to. I'm doing this because I want to. Because I feel it matters. Because I want to make life easier and better for that someone else. Because it's about a certain kind of protection, like for a flower that is waiting to bloom.

Because, sometimes, it's about the guardian's destiny.

May I be blessed with wings as tough as steel
To fend off the ice and fire of danger
Yet soft and gentle with a velvet touch
To soothe and caress in loving warm embrace

gambitch [ 1:46 PM]